


Insatiable (I'm Afraid That I, I Lost Myself)

by BaneThePsychopath



Category: K-pop, ONEUS (Band)
Genre: Food, Food Issues, Gen, Gluttony, Horror, Mentions of Suicide, Mild Gore, Unconventional, food obsession, mentions of body image and weight, mild violence, though this is not a depression fic or an eating disorder fic, unusual, well not your typical eating disorder i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:02:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26578000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BaneThePsychopath/pseuds/BaneThePsychopath
Summary: “I couldn’t think—I didn’t think. But I knew that my cravings were deep inside my mind. I was rational but I also was not—I felt at war with myself. And with every second that passed, I felt myself deteriorating but, still, all I wanted was to eat.”One day, Keonhee stops feeling full. One day, Keonhee loses control. One day, Keonhee's desire consumes him.
Relationships: Lee Keonhee/Everyone
Comments: 12
Kudos: 14
Collections: WEUS Harvest Moon Fest





	Insatiable (I'm Afraid That I, I Lost Myself)

**Author's Note:**

> prompt #005: Keonhee stops speaking one day, the rest of Oneus do everything they can to solve it.
> 
> *will edit further*

It was an ordinary day, the Oneus members did not have any schedules so they just went on to do whatever they pleased. Hwanwoong had been sleeping for almost twelve hours but that’s because he practices right after, even during day offs. Dongju was playing video games with Geonhak, albeit not at his own free will, not really. Geonhak woke up to an empty room, his roommates, Youngjo and Seoho, absent (although the latter for unknown reasons), with the urge to play videogames as they have been bombarded with promotions in the past few weeks. He had forced Dongju to create a League of Legends account even though the younger had whined about not knowing how to play and wanted to binge watch Disney movies. In the end, Geonhak had managed to persuade him with methods Keonhee does not know about but probably needs to if he wants to gain some sense of control over their feisty youngest. Youngjo was probably asleep at his studio because he had stayed up all night working on music. “I just suddenly got a tsunami of waves! Music waves, if that makes sense! Oh, Hwanwoong, I’m sorry, baby, I must retreat to my studio!” Youngjo had professed dramatically the night before and to which Hwanwoong had replied with a tut saying that the oldest need not be dramatic about it, ignoring the baby comment as he had tried to make Youngjo stop calling him that but his efforts were fruitless and he had become Youngjo’s baby. 

But then there’s Keonhee. Today, it seems likely that Keonhee would have to spend most of it on his own but, really, he’s not that upset by it. The fans might think of Keonhee as someone who was too attached to the members and constantly needed company, but it really is not like that at all. Sometimes, Keonhee just wants to lay in bed, a couple of his favorite snacks by his side, and watch cheesy dramas without his roommates, Hwanwoong and Dongju, pestering him about hogging the snacks, or attempting to spoil the drama he’d be watching at that moment. 

In fact, Keonhee would love to do that right now, that is if Hwanwoong were not sleeping. Hwanwoong was notorious for sleeping through the loudest of sounds but, lately, he’s become more sensitive and frequently wakes up to the heart-attack inducing sounds of Keonhee’s legs suddenly kicking both the walls and the ceiling. Keonhee had woken up one night to Hwanwoong lying right beside him, pressing his fingers together to hold Keonhee’s nostrils shut, with his face devoid of any emotion though Keonhee can see the anger in his eyes, illuminated by the moonlight through the window. The taller man would have screamed if it were not for his need to get some air back into his lungs. Hwanwoong did not even say a word before proceeding to lay back in his bed, and, finally, falling asleep. That night, it was Keonhee who ended up not sleeping as he was petrified by the younger. When morning came, Hwanwoong had happily skipped into the living room where Keonhee and Youngjo were eating breakfast at the coffee table. The shorter male was the first to bring up the incident the night before and apologized profusely to Keonhee. Keonhee had laughed it off saying that it was not a big deal. Before his arrival, while he and Youngjo ate a quiet breakfast, Keonhee had given it some thought. He had decided to excuse the younger’s behavior because he, too, had noticed that Hwanwoong had become drowsier than ever, yet practiced with the same amount of determination and vigor as though he were not losing sleep. 

Not wanting the loud sounds of his snacks to awaken the sleeping Hwanwoong, Keonhee makes himself comfortable on the couch. “Ah, I wonder what we have for today,” Keonhee asks to an empty living room as he makes his way to the fridge. It is usually empty except for the occasional eggs and maybe mackerel that Youngjo loves to eat for breakfast because the members usually ordered fast food or ate out. And that was the case for their fridge today, well, except for the tupperware that was stuffed with kimbap. Squealing with excitement, Keonhee takes the tupperware with one of his large hands, glad that he does not have to wait thirty minutes to an hour just for food to arrive. He was feeling quite impatient today and if consuming the whole container filled with delicious kimbap from God knows who would ease him, then so be it. 

And Keonhee does finish all of them. So when a newly awoken Hwanwoong makes his way to the kitchen, while still fighting the sleep in his eyes, and sees a gleeful Keonhee singing Dongju’s favorite song about some three bears with a sponge in one hand and an awfully familiar but empty container covered in suds in another, he shouts, the sleep in his system suddenly replaced with rage.

“Keonhee, that was for everyone! My mom made that for all of us, how the fuck could you just finish all of it?!” Hwanwoong reprimands as he makes his way to the sink, only to glare angrily at the hands that now wash the empty container that was once filled with delicious kimbap.

Keonhee shrugs “Oh, I don’t know, _maybe_ it’s because I was hungry,” he says with sarcasm, “but tell your mom I love her. The kimbap was _sooo_ good!” he mewls in Hwanwoong’s face. Maybe this was Keonhee’s (petty) revenge for Hwanwoong hogging the room, but not really as the other members were also affected yet, strangely, Keonhee does not seem to care. 

After Hwanwoong’s loud groans and scoldings toward Keonhee, the younger man retreats back to their shared bedroom, slamming the door so loud that Keonhee almost drops the container and Dongju shouts. Keonhee then heads back to the living room to watch a drama that he’s been invested in recently on the television. He’d actually debated on whether to crawl back to the kitchen to get some snacks from the cupboard but a tiny bit of guilt was what stopped him from doing so. But _damn_ does he really just want to stuff his mouth and fill his stomach that oddly does not seem to be full despite having just eaten a copious number of kimbap. 

  
  


Keonhee watches the scene displayed on the screen intently. He watches as the main character wallows in self-pity after being broken up by eating order after order of samgyeopsal at a barbeque place before passing out piss drunk. “I want what he has,” Keonhee pouts with both of his hands under his cheeks and arms on top of his bony knees. 

As if his prayer were answered, the clicking of the entrance’s door jolts Keonhee back to reality. Seoho had arrived, carrying what seemed to be take-out in a couple of plastic bags. Oh, Keonhee was _so_ delighted.

Keonhee grins. “ _Seohoooo_ ,” he sing-shouts before wrapping his arms around the older man, “I missed you so much, hyung.”

This earns him an eye-roll and a weak kick from Seoho. “You don’t miss me, you just want food,” he tuts. “And get your abnormally long limbs away from me, I’m tired.”

“Then allow me to carry those for you,” Keonhee offers sweetly, his hands ready to take the bags away from the older.

“Save it,” Seoho says before dumping the bags on the dining table. As soon as they were placed, he noticed how Keonhee was immediate to stuff his hands into the bags, so Seoho grabs both of them and pulls them away. “Go call the others,” he orders in his not-so-often used ‘hyung voice.’

“Ugh, fine,” Keonhee groans in compliance. Why was everyone so mad at him for his appetite? He eats all the time and no one bats an eye but today, it seems like everyone didn’t want him to satisfy himself and make himself happy. Keonhee felt utterly betrayed.   
  
  


Keonhee munches happily at the fried chicken drumstick in his hand. He’s pretty sure that he’s eaten more than five pieces of various chicken parts, but had lost count because he just could not be bothered anymore. He really is just glad that Seoho had cashed out on this much so now he gets to eat a lot with his money resting peacefully in his debit card.

Keonhee is happy as he eats, he really is, but the piercing eyes of a rather short male, who seems to not have been over the incident this morning, is starting to get bothersome. So Keonhee pauses from eating and stares back.

“Wow, what’s going on here, why do the two of you look like you want to kill each other?” Geonhak questions with humour in his voice.

Now that the attention is on both Keonhee and Hwanwoong, the latter answers, “Because _someone_ ate all the kimbap this morning.”

At this, Keonhee whines, “Come on, are you still not over that—”

“So THAT’s what happened to the kimbap. I just assumed that you guys ate it all without me, I actually wanted to eat it with the chicken,” Seoho says.

“I was waiting for everyone to be here before eating it, actually,” Geonhak adds and to which Dongju nods with a “Same.”

Youngjo does not say anything, instead he continues to eat quietly, but even that does not help with the situation and the slight embarrassment that Keonhee is feeling at this very instant. With the little amount of shame left in his system, he puts his drumstick down and lowers his head. “Sorry,” Keonhee finally (softly) apologises before leaving the dining room. He was ashamed, he truly was, now that (almost) everyone had their own say and (rather disapproving) reactions to the incident. But Keonhee was even more ashamed for leaving the not even half-eaten drumstick on his plate. 

Throughout the rest of the day, Keonhee avoids the rest of the members. 

“Where are you going?” Seoho had asked while Keonhee tied the last pair of shoelaces of his sneakers. 

Keonhee simply hummed in response, not ignoring nor answering the older. Seoho did not need to know where he was going, but maybe that’s because Keonhee, too, had no idea where to go. 

So he quickly left before the other could question him any further.

Keonhee was almost sure that he had planned (not really) on just walking around and basking in the pollution of the city, maybe even lying about under a bridge or near a river. So why was he now seated on a leathered seat, under a cooling vent, illuminated by many yellowish bulbs, and in front of many plates that he had just filled with food from the buffet?

Even Keonhee is confused with himself, he knows that he’s got a big appetite but, today, it really seems to be controlling him. He had woken up at 8 in the morning, ate breakfast at 9, lunch at 12, and now, dinner? (Is this even his dinner?) at 3 in the afternoon. The durations in between those times were so short and Keonhee had eaten quite heavily in each one, yet his stomach never felt full. And it still isn't even after the countless servings from the buffet. 

Keonhee paid no mind to how long he'd spent gorging at the restaurant but by the time he stepped out, stomach still feeling fine and all, the sunset had already passed. 

Keonhee comes back to a quiet dorm, the members probably already asleep. It is past midnight, the wee hours, and they have a scheduled physical exam in the morning, if Keonhee remembers correctly. 

After having taken a rather somber shower, he decided to sleep right away as he did not want to get drowsy at a hospital, out of all places. So he enters his shared room and, just as he thought, both Dongju and Hwanwoong were already fast asleep. Keonhee was glad that they were, the heavy feeling brought by the incidents of the past day were still clouding both his mind and chest that he could not bring himself to face them just yet. It was hard to avoid them especially since they are, after all, an idol group, so Keonhee cannot keep going out every day just to avoid confrontation and future altercations (that may or may not concern his eating habits). 

  
  


+++

  
  


“Hwanwoong, Hwanwoong wake up.”

Hwanwoong faintly hears the soft voice of their oldest as he gently shakes him awake. He was still extremely close to falling back to sleep had it not been for the fact that Youngjo waking him up had always made him laugh a little inside, even in such a state where his whole body just felt like submitting to the bed. 

Youngjo tells him that they have half an hour before they leave for the hospital and Hwanwoong groans. He was then reminded that breakfast and snacks were forbidden, and that starving for hours in the sickening fumes of the hospital was to welcome him. 

“Screw the colonoscopy,” Hwanwoong grumbles into his pillow, awake, but still not getting up from his bed.

Youngjo laughs. “Yeah, same but we can feast afterwards, yeah? Now get up, everyone’s waiting for you,” he finally says before exiting the room.

Now that Hwanwoong was left alone with about 25 minutes to get ready, he thought about the events of the day before. He thought about Keonhee and how selfish he had been that day, especially when he left without a word in the afternoon. But then he also thought that maybe he was too hard on the older. He was, at this point, in conflict with his feelings that he stomps his way to the shower.

“Hold on,” Geonhak says from the very back of the van, “did all of you follow the colonoscopy prep?”

At this, Keonhee quickly turns back to face him with widened eyes as if he were guilty. 

Then, all of the members except Keonhee made noises of disapproval, with Geonhak facepalming himself so hard that it made Youngjo jump in his seat. 

“Come on, Lee Keonhee, what happened to you?” Geonhak scolds. Yesterday, he tried not to reprimand the younger for eating all the kimbap as he felt that Hwanwoong’s anger was already enough to make him feel pity for Keonhee, but, today, Geonhak was just really disappointed. 

“Yeah, Keonhee, they’re gonna see so much shit I wonder if they’re gonna find anything,” Seoho teases.

Geonhak notices the way Keonhee just slumps in his seat, eyes cast downward, and unmoving. 

Keonhee stays that way for the rest of the ride.

+++

“How the hell did Keonhee lose weight while every one of us has gained? it doesn’t make sense,” Seoho asks the members, his voice somewhat frustrated but in confusion. 

Hwanwoong nods. “I agree, he eats the most—God, especially yesterday—”

“Hey, let’s not talk about that anymore,” Geonhak interrupts.

“But—”

“Hwanwoong.” Geonhak warns with furrowed brows before he uses his chin to direct Hwanwoong’s eyes to Keonhee who seems to be staring at the white wall in front of him, clearly not intent to engage in whatever the group is discussing. So Hwanwoong tightens his lips and goes back to talking with Seoho.

Youngjo was not as angry as Hwanwoong or Geonhak had been toward Keonhee. However, to some extent, he was also disappointed in him. Keonhee had always been the group’s food vacuum but he was never inconsiderate. He was also quick to recover from altercations. Youngjo remembers that one time when Dongju had purposely ripped open Keonhee’s Ryan plushie over something petty that Keonhee was so close to possibly killing Dongju before Geonhak had held him back. The next day, Keonhee had bought Dongju snacks as an apology, which the younger had admitted to being confused about since he was at fault and not Keonhee. So it was extremely odd to see Keonhee acting this way when he would usually just make it up to them. It was weird seeing Keonhee this quiet and distant. This morning, Keonhee had isolated himself from the group, walking behind everyone, not engaging in their short banter, and frequently just staring at nothing. Youngjo hated it. He hated it even more than he hated Keonhee consuming all of the kimbap. Yesterday, Youngjo had waited for Keonhee to come back, hoping that his trip had eased the younger back into normality but alas, Keonhee had returned as a whole different person.

Youngjo was just about to approach Keonhee when suddenly, he, Seoho, and Geonhak were called to be the first to view their colonoscopy tests with the doctor. So he tells himself to check up on Keonhee once they get back to the dorm.

Youngjo was quite concerned after the hospital visit. The ride back to the dorm was only filled with the bickering of Tom and Jerry, Seoho and Geonhak, with everyone else in complete silence. Keonhee was still the same, but he noticed how Hwanwoong and Dongju kept looking at each other then back at Keonhee. It was also strange that after the three had come back from viewing their results, none of them had spoken a word or even bothered to interact with anyone, in fact, it was only Hwanwoong and Dongju who had quietly conversed with each other from a great distance from the rest. With Seoho and Geonhak distracted with each other, Youngjo was left with himself and his observations, something was not right but he can’t pinpoint it.

As Keonhee had walked behind the group while heading up the dorm complex, when they had arrived, Youngjo watched as the younger retreated to the hallway without a word. But it seems that he was not the only one watching Keonhee because Hwanwoong and Dongju were too, with expressions that Youngjo could not read but he knew indicated that something was wrong.

“Guys,” he says, grabbing everyone’s attention, Seoho and Geonhak then stopped their bickering while Hwanwoong and Dongju turned back to face him. “Am I the only one sensing that something is off?”

“Is this about Keonhee?” Geonhak asks in a matter-of-fact tone, “because I think so too.”

Seoho does not say anything but nods after Geonhak’s confession. So Youngjo turns at the two youngest members, “There’s something you guys are not telling us.”

After he had said that, Hwanwoong gazed at the hallway before tugging Dongju to where Youngjo was standing, with Seoho and Geonhak following suit in alarm and anticipation.

With his brows knit together, Hwanwoong quietly asks, “Okay, so, do any of you think that Keonhee would lie about not preparing for the colonoscopy?”

Seoho raises a brow at this, “No, why would he? Keonhee would not lie about something so trivial, especially if it’s something to embarrass him.”

“Exactly!” Hwanwoong softly but firmly states, his forehead wrinkled and a scowl on his lips. “So tell us,” he quickly glances at Dongju before continuing, “how Keonhee’s bowels were fucking empty.”

“Huh?!” Geonhak exclaims.

Hwanwoong slaps his arm, “Be quiet.”

“I waited for Keonhee until late at night but it seems that he had arrived in the morning. Do you think that he might have done something?” Youngjo asks with worry.

“I don’t think that that’s possible,” Seoho says.

“Can’t we just talk to him?!” Geonhak loudly asks and just when Hwanwoong was about to slap him again, he notices how the other members’ eyes were fixed on something—or someone, rather, behind him. 

Keonhee had emerged from the hallway and was looking at them, it felt like ages but it was quick. They all watch as Keonhee puts his shoes back on, but Youngjo was not having it this time so he grabs Keonhee by the arm, pulling him away from the front door. 

“Keonhee wait—” he pleads but Keonhee just looks him in the eye before jerking his arm from his grip. Luckily, Geonhak had made his place behind Youngjo so when Keonhee ripped his arm away and faced the door, Geonhak had immediately flipped Keonhee’s body around to face them, his arms gripping tightly on the taller’s shoulders.

“Keonhee listen—” Youngjo speaks once more.

But Keonhee was already visibly angry and the members, except for Geonhak, did not want to get near him. Hwanwoong and Dongju were absolutely frightened watching Keonhee struggle in Geonhak’s grip, low growls escaping from his heaving mouth, and his body, repeatedly slamming against the door with struggle, making loud sounds. 

Seoho notices that Geonhak’s arms are starting to give up and that Keonhee is just getting more erratic. Seoho knows that, at this point, using force against Keonhee might just make things worse as nothing was progressing from Geonhak’s hold on him.

With courage, he rushes to Keonhee’s side, internally panicking at not being sure of what to do at first before he takes one of Keonhee’s hands and encloses it in two of his.

“Keonhee, please, we’re sorry—aaAH!”

It all happened so quickly, from Seoho holding Keonhee’s hand in two of his own to Keonhee tugging Seoho with great force, dismantling Geonhak’s hold on him, the latter stumbling backwards, and now, Seoho’s arm is oozing blood from Keonhee’s tightly-locked jaw and teeth just continuing to sink into his already punctured skin.

No one even had the time to stop Keonhee as he had immediately ran away after biting Seoho so fast yet so painfully that Seoho crumbled to the ground, clutching his bloodied arm. There are tears in his eyes, Seoho was almost sure that Keonhee was going to rip a chunk from his body, he remembers what it felt like—like many small blunt knives just sinking at an angle that is deep but not perpendicular, like these non-parallel knives from two opposite directions would just meet at some point under his skin before they are both ripped out to leave him a gaping hole of gouged muscle.

Seoho doesn’t think that he’d be able to face Keonhee for a long while. Geonhak comforts Seoho and tends to his wounds while Youngjo, Hwanwoong, and Dongju are left unmoving, still in shock. 

+++

  
  


The members are worried sick, it has been days since Keonhee ran away, and he left all means of contact at their dorm. As an idol group, it was innate that such occurrence be discovered by their manager. When they were found out, their manager was furious at Keonhee’s behaviour and the group not saying a word right away, so they all had to come up with a last minute excuse to justify Keonhee’s absence from their schedule that day. Right after their schedule, they all headed to the nearest police station to report a missing person, pleading that the police would keep it as discreet as possible. 

At the quiet police station in the wee hours of the morning, the approached officer had questioned why Keonhee had run away in the first place, but the members just kept their mouths shut to the truth, lying that they did not know. 

Seoho had noticed their manager eyeing the bandage wrapped around his arm in suspicion but before he could question him, Seoho had already made up an excuse and spoke that it was actually Dongju who had accidentally bit him too hard. The others attested to this, including Dongju, much to his dismay as the manager scolded him. 

The days have become almost a week and all throughout the search process, the members have not been informed a single bit of information. They had been begging, pleading, and bribing their managers to say a word to them, asking for even just the shortest bit but all their efforts were proven futile with the managers, although with pained expressions, saying that the group better direct all their attention to their busy schedules. 

But one day, the crestfallen atmosphere of the gathered members in the living room had been disrupted by the entrance of their manager along with the member that they so dearly missed. 

But Keonhee was not the same, no, he looked _much_ worse—he looked weary and frail. His weight had dropped by tenfold, his already deep collar bones had already become a cavity barely covered by his bloodied sweater. His face had been cleaned, showing the dark circles under his eyes and protruding cheek bones that threatened to cut through his skin at the slightest touch. 

Sitting Keonhee on the couch, their manager tells them that he had been found in the outskirts of the city, tucked in the darkest and filthiest of places, covered in dirt and his own blood. And even then, he had not spoken.

The talk did not last long and their manager left, his last words being that they better look out for Keonhee and each other, stressing the importance of friendship, brotherhood, and family. He was cheesy but he was right.

“Keonhee,” Hwanwoong cries before wrapping his arms around the older’s neck, although carefully, “We missed you so much, what happened to you?”

The hug was not reciprocated and even with the tears trickling from Hwanwoong’s eyes, Keonhee just stares at him with a tired look.

And Hwanwoong apologizes, he screams, he shouts, and he begs for forgiveness from Keonhee with the latter still unresponsive to his efforts. Youngjo had to ease Hwanwoong to stop him from completely breaking down in front of Keonhee.

Despite Keonhee’s return, the members were not gleeful. They sat together in silence that was not at all comfortable but painful, with the sounds of Hwanwoong’s slowly diminishing sobs and Keonhee’s stoic expression predominating the suffocating atmosphere. 

It took a while but it was only when Keonhee spares Seoho a glance, with the latter still looking fairly frightened of him, that Keonhee speaks. 

“I-I don’t know what’s going on.”

The members’ expressions have now become more alive but alert, a great shift from their previously somber aura.

And when all eyes are cast on Keonhee, he then lowers his head.

“It all started that day—when I ate the kimbap. I don’t know, I thought it was just me being really hungry. But then, even after I ate all of it, my stomach still didn’t feel full. Then we—I—ate so much chicken hours barely from breakfast. I left in shame, I really did, which was why I left in the first place—I could not bear to see you all after my glutton. But you know what was funny? I felt more ashamed for not eating my drumstick before leaving. It was strange—I admit, I did not plan where to go but in the end, I found myself eating servings after servings at a buffet and lasted till the evening. And even after all that, I still made my way to splurge on the many stalls of the night market.”

“I couldn’t think—I didn’t think. But I knew that my cravings were deep inside my mind. I was rational but I also was not—I felt at war with myself. And with every second that passed, I felt myself deteriorating but, still, all I wanted was to eat. The day of the colonoscopy was actually a painful one, I did not feel it—not intensely, but my desire to eat ached so much that it overruled the need. My stomach did not grumble much but my mind was quietly racing with my next move. And that was when I planned to leave once more.”

He then looks at Seoho.

“It wasn’t supposed to happen, it really wasn’t. But I was so hungry that it hurt to open my mouth if it were not used for consumption—in fact, it hurts right now, but I am spilling everything out before I lose my mind. I didn’t want to bite Seoho—or at least, that’s what I thought, but I assure you that it was not my intention. Regardless, I apologize.”

Seoho looks away and Keonhee focuses at the white wall in front of him.

“I believe that it was that moment that made me go mad. All the foods I’ve eaten before were good, delicious even, but the taste of raw, human meat felt like ecstasy. My mouth moved on its own and I was so close to ripping a whole chunk from your arm but, thankfully, I managed to stop myself with the little bit of control I had left. It hurt me that I made Seoho cry but it hurt me most knowing what I was capable of. I feared that staying would end up in me consuming any of you. But in the end, I consumed myself.”

Keonhee rolls up the sleeves of his red-stained sweater, revealing the many wounds that scatter at different places, they were covered in bandages but Seoho speculates that some were deeper than others, and that some were already devoured.

Keonhee lifts his hand and spreads his bandaged fingers. “I wanted to distract myself from the taste but I left my wallet here,” he laughs. “So I starved. I was too scared to beg. And I was even more scared to go home. I didn’t want anyone near me in fear that I might snap. I already felt that I was losing myself, and, with all the circumstances, I deduced that it was because of my glutton. So I starved to rid myself of it. But I was a fool. The extreme hunger blinded my consciousness and my mind that I did not feel pain when I unknowingly ate my fingers. The damage was far too immense when I had realized what I had done. I hated it—the feeling of having no control over myself. I had wished death upon me so many times but it never came close. I couldn’t even kill myself though I wanted to. And even as my wounds festered, I still found myself licking them up as though they were still fresh.”

He then sighed, “It hurts. I am tired. And hungry,” he quietly laughs, “But then again, I am always hungry.”

“Do you want to order something, we can—”

Keonhee cuts Hwanwoong off, “It’s fine. They fed me before I was brought here. I don’t think I’m that hungry to eat myself or any of you right now.”

He then yawns. “I don’t think I want to speak for the next few days… I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“But—” Hwanwoong counters. Truth be told, he was actually kind of terrified of Keonhee who had become somewhat cannibalistic. But, Hwanwoong’s heart was still soft and Keonhee was still his brother. They had spent so many of their years together—along with Seoho, the three of them were the members who have known each other the longest. And, even with this fear, the memories of the Keonhee Hwanwoong once knew made him long for the older despite the circumstance. It was irrational but Hwanwoong didn’t mind it for just this once. 

“No, Keonhee’s right,” Geonhak interrupts. “We’re not so sure of his state yet. Hwanwoong, don’t put yourself—and Dongju at risk.”

Keonhee genuinely smiles for the first time as he lies on the couch, “Good night, everyone.”

Keonhee’s confession had frightened the members, even more so the already terrified Seoho who still could not bring himself to interact with Keonhee. Unlike Hwanwoong, Seoho was rational, he was aware of how he felt toward Keonhee and he does still love him. But a part of him knows that that Keonhee was not ever going to return. Not when Keonhee had basically confessed that he’s gone mad. No, Seoho was not going to ease up to him for at this point, Keonhee was just someone he once knew.

Except for Seoho, they all left with ‘good nights’ and well-wishes for Keonhee.

  
  


+++

  
  


As the days progress, Keonhee just seems to get weaker and weaker. But he also seems to be more in control of himself. He speaks a few times but for most days, none at all. He sleeps too much but the bags under his eyes still continue to darken.

It worried Hwanwoong so much that one day, he had ordered so much food just so Keonhee could overeat, but, much to their surprise, Keonhee eats just the right amount, just as he’s been doing these past few days. 

The members subtly observed Keonhee. He really was not the same, and a part of them believed that Keonhee was never going to be the same. He was now too tired. And if he wasn’t eating, he was sleeping, and if not both, he was staring off into space. 

They had even asked Keonhee if he wanted to see a therapist but the man merely shook his head at the thought before drifting off to sleep. It was early in the afternoon.

“Promotions are finally over, we can now hang out with our beloved Keonhee!” Youngjo sing-shouts in excitement.

“It’s a shame that he didn't promote with us, he was really excited for this comeback,” Hwanwoong says, his voice laced with sadness.

“How about we all celebrate tonight, with Keonhee, let’s eat out and hang somewhere,” Dongju proposes. “I found this place on the internet, the reviews were all good!”

They all agreed to his proposal with excitement, and the ride back home was filled with eager voices that aimed to brighten Keonhee’s night. Due to their busy schedules that continuously swallowed their energy, the members did not have much time to spend with Keonhee. And even if there was little time available, theirs and his never really lined up as Keonhee was asleep when they were awake. Tonight, they hoped that Keonhee was up and ready to finally come together again. 

But when they arrived, they were instantly greeted by a great amount of food on the dinner table. 

Without much glance, they were happy at first, thinking that it was the company’s doing until Geonhak points out,

“That kinda looks like Hwanwoong’s mom’s kimbap. Even the container is the same...”

“Wasn’t this the chicken I brought?”

“Why is there so much food, it’s like a buffet in here!” Dongju adds.

“But wait, where is Keonhee?” Hwanwoong asks.

And that’s when they notice the few pieces of rotten flesh. 

**Author's Note:**

> this was so difficult to write ahhh hope y'all still liked it though agahshajjs
> 
> this actually strayed from what i had initially planned which involved possession and a demon lmao but idk i wanted it to be mouth (?) centric and couldn't really ,,, plan a whole demonic kinda fic especially with uni constantly riding my dick so i resorted to unconventional horror, which, i actually really like,,,
> 
> also, the parentheses in the title is actually from p!atd's version of karma police. i love it.
> 
> thank you for reading!


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